How to answer, “Why can’t I have a ___?”

Whether it’s a phone, access to YouTube, Social Media, an app etc…first, it’s imperative to ask why they want it and attempt to get a thorough understanding. Is it just ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ or is there a real unmet need here that could be solved in another way? Perhaps they want more connection with peers. If so, this is something we should problem solve with them and is a valid, developmentally appropriate desire. It is important that we work diligently to hear their need and try to meet it if possible.

You could also say this if they’re asking for a smart-phone:

“There are hundreds of research studies about why this is not going to make your life better, and, sweetheart, at _____ grade, there’s no real research showing that this is going to enhance your life. When it becomes a social issue, we’ll talk about it.”

- Lisa Damour, Author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers

What we don’t want to do is to deprive our child of rich social connections. Teens who spend more time with their friends in person are happier, less lonely and less depressed. Some options for more connection sans-phone could be getting a land-line, getting your child a flip-phone or a non-smart phone, possibly scheduling recurring ‘hang-outs’ like you would a piano lesson.

Studies show what seems to be obvious, that teens who communicate face-to-face, without electronic devices, have better social skills. People still have to meet in person for dates, job interviews and conversations. As with everything, practice makes perfect. So parents: your teen going out with her friends is not a waste of time- it’s an investment in her future.

From i-gen, Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy- and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood by Jean M. Twenge