How to talk about social media and social comparison

The following is taken from Lindsay Kite and Lexie Kite’s book, More Than a Body, Your Body is an Instrument, Not an Ornament. Buckle up- this is a long one.

One of the greatest challenges we all face is how to navigate social media without drowning in self-comparison and the insatiable desire for validation. Kids need to be spared from facing these challenges for as long as possible. We recommend that you err on the side of caution by shielding kids from their own independent social media access for as long as possible. We don’t think any kid under age twelve should have unfettered internet access, let alone free range on social media with their own accounts.

Even after age twelve, web access should be monitored, restricted and lovingly guided as much as possible. This will not make you a popular parent or caregiver, but it is the kindest thing you can do for a kid who does not understand what they’re asking for. They might think that by not having their own social media profile, they are missing out on the fun things all their friends are experiencing, but what they are really missing out on is often heartache, disappointment, comparison, loneliness and feelings of inadequacy.

When your child comes to you asking to join one of these photo- and video- driven social media platforms, take the opportunity to talk with them about what research and real-life experience brings to light with a pros and cons list. First ask them why they want to use Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat or whatever the newest apps and platforms are. What do they think they will like about it? Listen to their thoughts and consider them along with other things we know people appreciate about social media like these:

Pros

• You will be able to interact with your friends online

• You won’t be left out of what is happening online

• You will be able to participate in fun and entertaining communities where people share their talents and hobbies

• You will be exposed to interesting content and important ideas and people you might not see otherwise like activism for important causes, experts in cool subjects and people doing good in the world

• You’ll be able to express yourself through posting pictures, videos and captions

  Next, ask your child to consider what they might not like about using the app or platform they are hoping to join. What can they imagine finding or experiencing that could be negative or hurtful to themselves or others? In addition to any ideas they have, take the opportunity to talk to them frankly about what research has shown about how these technologies affect people. Have you seen any of these negative effects in your own life or in the lives of people you and your children know and love? Tell them that. Open your heart and express your love and concern for them in addition to your trust and confidence in them. As appropriate, discuss downsides like these:

  Cons

• You might be more likely to experience increased loneliness. Social media can be isolating and leads to feelings of FOMO or “fear of missing out”. While you might like the interaction from likes, follows and DMs, in the long run, many people are left feeling more alone and isolated.

• You might be more likely to experience depression and anxiety, and the more time you spend on social media, the worse these feelings can get.

• You might be more likely to compare yourself to the people you see on Instagram. Self-comparison causes you to feel less love toward and unity with those you are comparing yourself to. It also makes you feel worse about yourself, even if you think you “win” the comparison.

• You might be more likely to be preoccupied with your looks (also known as self-objectification). Your appearance will be front and center in your mind, and that makes it hard to focus on anything else, whether you like the way you look or not. This can hurt your schoolwork, your relationships, your health, your mental and physical capabilities and your happiness.

• You might be more likely to experience negative body image or feel bad about your body, because you will be more sensitive to how you appear after seeing so many idealized photos, ads and highlight reels.

• You will be more likely to be exposed to harmful messages and ideas and images that you might not see otherwise and might not be prepared to understand, like objectification, pornography, self-harm, pro-anorexia (“pro-ana”) messaging, digital manipulation of photos, misleading advertising and beauty represented in very narrow, unattainable ways.

• You will be more likely to become desensitized to the messages that hurt you and that cause you to think about your body and your looks more than who you are as a person, which can lead to feeling ashamed and fixated on your body.

  If you decide together that your child is ready to join these types of social media platforms, or if they insist on doing so with or without your permission or knowledge, you can equip them with a few important guidelines that will make a world of difference for their health and safety:

  1. Make your profile private

  2. Turn off notifications

  3. Avoid the ‘explore’ page on Instagram

  4. Set boundaries and time limits

  5. Don’t allow direct messages from people you aren’t already following

  6. Never send nude pictures and delete them if you receive them

  These won’t prevent all harms, but are a good place to start.