Empathy and safety
Safety is every parent’s top concern. As our community reels over another senseless, violent, tragic act, I cannot help but think of the world my children are growing up to inherit. We all see the news through our own personalized lens, and mine is one of concerned parent. I worry about our community and our safety. I personalize every story, imagining how I will explain this world to my kids as they age. It’s no wonder that I’ve whittled down my news consumption, as the sensationalized ‘doomsday’ style of reporting is unnecessary. Instead of social media or television, I rely on print. I don’t need to be bombarded by images that I can never ‘unsee’. Social media’s use of the ‘infinite scroll’ pattern is non-consensual; one can scroll straight from a funny puppy video into an image of war or death.
I grew up in Jonesboro Arkansas and was in high school in 1998 when two boys, aged 11 and 13, pulled the fire alarm at the local middle school and fatally shot 4 students and one teacher, injuring 10 others. At the time of this writing, it is still the deadliest middle school shooting in US history. This event changed the rest of my school experience in drastic ways. Our schools employed armed guards, began locking the classroom doors and insisting on clear backpacks that were randomly searched by staff. Over time, these memories faded until I walked my son to his first day of kindergarten at our local public school. I felt a sudden and overwhelming fear as we approached the school gates, and began looking around for potential gunmen, imagining what I would do if someone started shooting. I knew cognitively that this is, of course, extremely unlikely; schools are the safest places for our kids to be. So I took some deep breaths and kept walking.
In my work as a therapist for teens and young adults, I have seen the unintended consequences of out-sized fears and ‘helicopter parenting’ up close and personal. Often, as Julie Lythcott-Haims wrote in her 2015 book How to Raise an Adult, parents base their daily decisions on a one-in-a-million chance that their child could be abducted or killed by a stranger, when, in any given year a child is more likely to be killed in an:
equestrian accident (1 in 297,000)
as a result of youth football (1 in 78,260)
or as a passenger in a car (1 in 78,260)
Keeping our children digitally connected to us at all times gives parents a false sense of safety. It hinders the growth of their ‘internal locus of control’ which is ‘a person’s belief that they are in control of their lives and can solve the problems that come their way, on their own’. We need a strong internal locus of control to be able to deal with today’s world. Being constantly connected to screens crushes curiosity, as you can always google the answer to a question, or more likely, call or text a parent to solve any dilemma, large or small.
I want our kids to be smart, savvy and independent. Self-efficacy is the opposite of anxiety, and in our conversations about safety, we cannot ignore what is going on with the mental health of our youth. Since 2012, every aspect of teen psychological wellbeing has been in decline. Suicide rates tripled for 10-14 year old’s between 2011-2019. As digital use has increased, time spent face-to-face has decreased. With heads bowed over devices, our kids are missing out on what makes us human, our connection to each other. Nothing is more effective at increasing empathy than time spent face-to-face. What we need in this crazy time is a community filled with empathy.
I understand parents’ fears all too well. I get it. But sending your kids to school with a device for safety reasons is misguided, as is keeping them ‘in your sight’ at all times. Instead, we should be worried about schools that are filled with children on devices. Studies show that heavy internet use and a lack of empathy are closely linked.
Also, the content on our phones floods our bodies with cortisol, the fight or flight stress response, making it more difficult for us to be calm and happy. Children and teen’s brains are especially vulnerable to disturbing images or addictive content; it upsets them at school and makes focusing on their education much more difficult. Lastly, security experts believe phones make teens less safe in the event of an emergency, as they are more distracted and are less likely to hear instructions from teachers or law enforcement. The light and sound of devices can alert an assailant to student’s location, and the use of hundreds of devices at once can jam communication for first responders.
We need to start talking about safety in more ways than one. It is my strong opinion, and the opinion of other experts in the field of psychology, medicine, government and technology, that the mental health decline with our children is ‘the crisis of our time’, (Surgeon General McMurthy) which is perpetuated by compulsive use of devices. Let’s cut back on our kids’ screen use, get phones out of our schools and let them run around and play together, so they can lift their faces and see each other, boosting real connection, empathy and ultimately, safer spaces for all.