Turning off Video Games

If your house is anything like mine, turning off video games is especially difficult. While you can use universally helpful techniques like setting a timer, or always having the same amount of screen-time per day, video games tend to be tricky, because ‘ending’ the game never seems to happen. With a TV show or a movie, it’s over and then you turn it off. Perhaps you allow for 1 episode. Simple. But with Minecraft? I have absolutely no clue what is going on there.

I am going to quote Dr. Becky’s book Good Inside for this post.

Dr. Becky insists that first and foremost, it’s important that we, as parents, know our job. Our job is to keep our children safe, physically and psychologically. AND if things aren’t going well in the boundaries department, “it is your responsibility, as the adults in the family system, to change the environment so that your child can learn and grow and thrive.” This stuff is hard. You may be caught in a cycle of avoiding outbursts from your kid and inevitably allowing for more video game time than you’d like. If that’s you, read on.

Learning to stay grounded and help your child” in difficult moments is hard, partly because of what’s required of us in these moments. We must embody our authority. And while this sounds empowering, it’s at the core of what’s challenging for so many adults, especially women, in their adult lives: to assert themselves and take up space. We need to remember- “I am the adult here, I am in charge, I know what to do”. When we embody our authority in this way, we have to tolerate our kids’ not being happy with us. It forces us to ask ourselves tough questions, such as: what is it like for me to make a decision that may be met with pushback?

And yet, we know we need to have boundaries around gaming. So- here’s what we might do if the timer goes off and our child doesn’t stop playing. Or if we said they couldn’t play, but they snuck their console into a closet and played anyway.

“I am turning off the console and taking the controller. Look, something is going on. I said no and you started playing anyway. Let’s figure this out later after we each think on it- something about video games makes it really hard for you to listen to me.”

Helpful tips for how to embody your authority:

1) Take deep breaths.

2) Narrate what you’re doing as you reassert your role of establishing boundaries (remember to always know your job.) You might say, “You can give me the Switch right now or if it’s too hard to give it up, I can take it from you.” Then maybe, “I am going to take it from you, honey, I know this won’t be pleasant.”

3) Maintain the boundary, bur remember you are doing so because your child doesn’t yet have this impulse-control skill. (They are not bad kids!) This might require putting the controller somewhere your child can’t reach or find. Do not expect your child to suddenly develop impulse-control ability just because she got “caught”. Your child is telling you that she needs your help with the boundary. Now you need to be the helper.

4) Reflect later. What impulse control does your child struggle with? Do you need more buy-in from your child to have her listen to certain rules?

Dr. Becky and I differ when it comes to consequences. I am all for having a consequence that makes sense. Something I might do is let my child know that if they can’t get off the game right now, they lose their allotted time tomorrow. I state clearly that part of the privilege of having these games is being able to stop when they are required to.

The next time you’re setting a rule you know your child won’t like, say as much. When you do this, you establish your connection by validating her experience and you provide an opportunity to brainstorm and cope in advance. You might say, “I have to do some work emails. I know you know our family rule- no video games until later on. It may be hard for you to think of something fun to do while I’m occupied and I know you wish we could have video games as an option. I get it. Hmmm…what could you do while I’m working for a bit?”

Okay let’s pause. Parent-shame check! Note any “Oh no…I’ve messed this all up” or “I’m the worse parent in the world” thoughts that are coming up for you. I’ve had those thoughts too, I promise, and I know how painful they are. Place a hand on your heart, making sure your feet are on the ground, and take a few deep breaths. Tell yourself: “It’s not too late…for me or my child. My reaction is a sign that I care, not a sign that I’m bad. My willingness to reflect and try something new tells me that I am a brave cycle-breaker”.

And now get to it! Feel free to pick an amount of time that you feel comfortable with and then embody that authority. Take the controller away physically if needed. Lock it in a safe if needed. Your job is not to make your kid’s life happy all the time. You couldn’t do that if you tried. And if you did try, you wouldn’t be preparing them for life. This is important. And- you’ve got this.

Reach out and let me know how it goes.